DANGER:SHARKS IN MIAMI

During the past several seasons the Florida gulf began to emit a distinctive fishy odor. This smell is due to the unusual number of sharks circling the Miami waters. Is this shark activity in Miami really that unusual, you ask? Well, no. Not if a particular Miami television series has been rigorously preparing to jump the shark.

For a while now, CSI: Miami has been on the verge of shark jumping, with its unnatural characters (Horatio Caine, Eric Delko, Ryan Wolfe), unintelligent dialogue (Horatio Caine: Justice is not yours to dispense, and now you're going to pay for it), and unconvincing plotline: (is it plausible for a gorgeous girl like Marisol Delko to marry an emotionless, gingered hair, know-it-all like Horatio Caine).

Well last Monday, the show finally took the plunge with its fifth season premier episode. BIG SHARK JUMP! Commencing with a ill-plotted Brazilian storyline (to show off the show's access to foreign locales and visual treatment).

The show is beyond stylized. The colors are over-saturated and artificial, causing distracting visuals and unnatural skin texture (re: close ups of Horatio Caine’s cringe worthy face). The over use of slow motion, CSI: Miami is plagued by the irritating and ineffective use of this film technique (slow motion should be used to highlight important moments, not to highlight Horatio Caine’s facial mobility). The obtuse and unnecessary use of split screen, rupturing any illusion of reality. (CSI MIAMI is a police procedural series about forensic scientists, isn’t REALITY an important element to the show?)

But the biggest shark jump on CSI: Miami is by far the serie's emphasis on Horatio Caine (David Caruso). He is one of the most uncharismatic characters in primetime television. He has an abnormal need to wear sunglasses indoors, and a compulsive urge to rip them off and awkwardly pose mid sentence. (Blame the director) The character also imparts an incredibly uncomfortable stance with added neck bend to accentuate his laughable dialogue. (Blame the actor) Dialogue that is purely composed of clichés and bad expositions, the info-dump uttered by Horatio Caine to his subordinates is insulting. (Blame the writers) One would think that to work in a forensic lab, of the show’s caliber, one would know a little something about the crime and procedure. Apparently not!

These jump-the-shark elements have finally convince me that the show has fundamentally and permanently strayed from its original crime fighting allure. It is a desperate and futile attempt to keep viewers like me from the drifting towards more innovative and intelligent shows competing for my attention.

NOTE: To my faithful reader who do not watch CSI:MIAMI, be thankful.