SOAPBOX DIATRIBE

Dear Faithful Readers of Inarticulate Speech,

I would like to take this opportunity to climb on my soapbox and address an issue that’s been weighing heavily on my heart. It is an issue rarely talked about, for some it’s just too shameful a subject, for others the topic is too unpleasant for everyday conversation.

My bone of contention: CRACK.

Crack, it’s not only a crime it’s a disease. The effects of crack are felt on many levels: personal, cultural and social. The initial introduction of crack into a person’s life may initially produce feelings of euphoria and excitement, after all it’s a voyage into a forbidden place. It‘s a powerful force, the effects of the first encountered can be profoundly seductive. However, prolonged exposure to crack, causes restlessness, irritability, anxiety and paranoia.

Crack is a chronic illness and we must not be enablers to the addict’s abusive behavior!

Dealing with a loved one who is abusing crack can be overwhelming and painful. While crack addicts may be good people, their actions can hurt and cause shame to those who love them. We must not be enablers to the addicts abusive behaviour, we must stop the spread of this pandemic. The challenge is to stand steadfast in our conviction to assist abusers amidst the maelstrom of these dark and aggressive forces.

But before we can help others we must completely equip ourselves with the most prevalent information on crack. In order to get crack off the streets we must acquaint ourselves with the street names given to crack: hollow haunches, keister cavity, posterior pucker, the abyss, rump ridge, cranny, rear divide, butt channel, hill-billy heinie, half moon, ass flash, backside crevice, bottom gorge, bum split, (the proceeding synonyms created by writer of this blog, not real street names for crack...but they should be) anal cleft, butt cleavage, ass crack, coin slot, and the infamous plumber’s butt.

Do you remember when we used to ridicule and laugh relentlessly at the sight of anyone caught administering crack?

Now that's considered fashionable to be a crack fanatic. Everyone is getting cheeky. Not just the Hollywood starlets and the fashion devotees, but tradesmen with their ill fitting trousers, skater boys with their droopy bottoms, and sadly, the metrosexual male with his low slung slacks. Showing off the heinous HAIRY Hill-Billy heinie is pure blasphemy. (The least male addicts can do, if they are considering committing a crime of indecent exposure, is to schedule a crack-n-sack wax. If you are cringing at this notion, then please, do not even consider wearing an ass baring ensemble.)

Despite the hairy half moon, Fashion Editors are enabling the crack epidemic by making the global proclamation: “to have a little of your body falling out is extremely sexy”.

My response to this: a vehement “OH, HELL NO!” Are we going to allow these fashion junkies to dictate our style? Before you answer, let me remind you that these are the same fashion forward thinkers that gave the green light to a) homeless “boho” look, b) elephantine sunglasses and c) orange tans.

Never one for conformity, I am taking a stand against the keister cavity.

On a daily basis I have been witness to boorish benders who brazenly expose their nether regions, a locale that previously had been the sole domain of portly plumbers and tubby tradesmen. It is neither sexy nor classy to moon unsuspecting citizens! My eyes are sore from this constant exposure to the moon!

Deep Breath.

Surely, I am not the only individual, in a sea of millions, suffering from this grotesque glimpse of the hollow haunches. Don’t get me wrong; I love my low-rise jeans as much as the next fashionista and I can't guarantee you won't EVER see a little posterior pucker. However, I assure you, I go to great lengths to protect my butt cleavage from anyone’s direct sightline. How do I manage to stay so lady-like, yet so stylish in my low-risers? This is no easy feat. I have discovered various ways to sit, walk and squat. I have conditioned my body to contort into various angles to avoid ass flash.

In other words, we all need to take some responsibility! Check yourself when you sit or bend, do not promote the spread of crack. Please help me put an end to an addiction and trend that just screams: “blue collar betty/bob!”

SAY NO TO CRACK!