PEOPLE PERSON

An open letter to my insolent coworker:

Dear Oppressive Coworker,

Your presence has poisoned my work environment and I can no longer stand idle in the mist of this pollution, muzzled by my politeness. I am writing this letter to you, in a quest to free myself of all your negative energy.

Allow me to begin by saying that I have put forth a valiant effort to tolerate your malice, but how far must I bend before I break?

You have caused me to hate my job with a loathing generally reserved for baby killers and people who kick puppies.

I see the pained expression on you face when you are giving me instructions. I apologize if my inexperience with your division is causing you such discomfort, but YES, you have to deal with training me on something you have been doing for twenty years and, YES, I ask many questions when I’m confused. The questions may seem irrelevant or elementary to you but I need to know the details to do my job more efficiently.

Your demeaning statement, “I don’t need you to understand it, I just need you photocopy it,” has truly revealed how resentful you are of my attempt to acquire knowledge and how fearful you are of being outed as a SIMPLETON. You can attempt to maintain your know-it-all charade, but I see you for what you really are, which is ignorant.

You will not change me. I see this world with eyes of a curious child, in my mind continuing questions of why's and how's. You will not crush me. I will not let you douse my flames of knowledge with your venom of ignorance. I am not the cause of your misery. If you are unhappy, YOUR conduct is the cause. So suck it up, stop treating me like the bitch who is trying to jeopardize your job, and help me learn this crap already!

We are truly different creatures you and I, we do not speak the same language, causing continual misunderstandings. Clearly this is my fault, the next time that I have failed to do something you NEVER ASKED ME TO DO, I will remember to remind you that I flunked out of psychic school.

I will maintain a positive outlook and do whatever it takes to push through this undesirable working condition. I will attempt to endure my time with you a while longer, even if that means staying perfectly quiet all day while chanting to myself “I’ll be out of here soon. I’ll be out of here soon. I’ll be out of here soon.”

We only have two more months and then I can make a clean break from the rat-infested squalor housing your soul. I will smile politely and bid you farewell, secretly hoping that our paths will never cross again.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. When you have to ask someone if you are a “people person”, chances are the answer is a blatant NO!